The Jokes thread

Come here to post you random funny jokes.

Knock Knock. who's there? First Reply. First Reply who? Uhh... I don't know I just wanted the first one.

IF YOU ARE OFFENDED BY ANY BLONDE JOKES THEN I SUGGEST YOU CLICK THE BACK BUTTON NOW


This blonde cop stops a blonde driver and asks for identification.

The blonde driver looks all around in her purse and can’t find her license. “I must have left it at home, officer.”

“Well, do you have any kind of identification on you?” asks the cop.

The blonde takes out a pocket mirror and says, “I do have this picture of me.”

“Let me see it,” says the cop. She holds up the mirror and looks in it. Then she says, “Sorry. If I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn’t have stopped you.”

Note to Hitcher: If you think this is offensive you can take it down.

No offense to the blondes on this forum. I myself am a blonde.

Oh I LOOOOVE Blonde jokes!!!!

But anyways...

A man and a Giraffe walk into a bar.
They both sit down next to each other.
The man buys him and the giraffe both a shot.
Then another... and another.... and even another.
Suddenly the Giraffe falls over into the floor.
HE'S DEAD.
The man takes another shot and slowly gets up.
He heads towards the door, but the bartender calls to him.
"Hey, ya' gonna just leave that lyin' there?"
The man turned around and replied...
"That's not a lion sir... that's a giraffe."

Haha I get it! That brought a grin to my face Chosen One.

--------------------

Joan went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," she said, "I've got big troubles. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. Am I going crazy?"

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink, "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said Joan. six months later the doctor met Joan on the street.
"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred bucks a visit? No way! Instead, I went on one of those 'Dude Ranch' vacations, and an old cowboy cured me for the price of a bottle of whiskey."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!
Ain't nobody under there now!!!"

there's three men lined up at the gates of heaven waiting for entrance.
saint peter, the door man of the golden gates, tells the first to step forth.

"how did you die, sir?" questions the ancient saint.

the man replies "i was in my apartment on an excorcizing machine working out. suddenly something snapped and i was flung off through a window and plummitted down from the top floor. i managed to grab onto the balcany on the floor bellow, but right as i thought i was safe some insane man yells something about his wife and throws a friggin' refrigerator at me. so that's how i died."

"such a horrific death, you may enter." says peter to the first man, then to the second. "step forth. now sir, tell me came to be standing in this spot."

the second man replied "i thought my wife's been cheat'n on me for a coupl'a months now, so i decided to stay home, hide and see what she does while i ain't there. well sure 'nuff i heard some man come into my home and started... y'know, wid my wife and all. and before i got out'a my hiding place i started yell'n 'n cursin' my fool head off. when i got out she was alone on the bed and that son of a... well he weren't there any how. but then i noticed the mutha' f... hang'n off'a the balcony. i was so dang mad i lifted up the fridge and chucked right at him. after he fell 'n all that, i musta' had a heart attack from all'a the excitement. that's how i done and died."

"although you committed sin in your last moments on earth, i will permitt you passage into paradise." stated peter. "sep forward and state your case." says peter to the final man. "tell me how you died."

the third man replies "i was in the fridge..."